Relationships and Unexpressed Emotions

Meaningful Relationships

I have a two year old at home and for his birthday this year, I wanted to get him something that would help him build a vocabulary about his emotions. A psychologist friend of mine told me that while this is a worthy pursuit, two year olds don't really need help expressing their emotions. It's as we get older that we are taught to ignore how we feel and just push through it.

“To get back up from a fall, to get back up from a setback, to get back up from what we’re in right now, you have to acknowledge that you’re down, that you’ve fallen, made a mistake. You have to be brave enough to acknowledge that you’re hurting, that you’re sad, disappointed, grieving, feeling shame, whatever feeling you’re in, you have to own it. We cannot begin again when we’re dragging unspoken and unexplored emotions behind us. We have to be brave and curious and to dig into the feelings of a fall.” - Brene Brown

We can give oxygen and steam to emotions like shame, guilt, grief, and anger if we do not express them. And it can get out of control. For me, I like to go grab a cup of coffee or eat something sweet when I have strong emotions. Lately, I have been pushing myself to confront those feelings head on. To do that, it is important to do these two things: (1) Acknowledge those feelings, it will immediately take the wind out of their sails and allow you to move on. (2) Tell someone you trust, who will support you when you express those feelings. For example, tell a spouse, friend, your parent(s), or counselor. Putting feelings into words is the only way to get rid of them. You may not believe what Brene Brown writes- but here’s 2 things I can assure you: (1) The majority of us can relate to your feelings. I have been surprised recently at times when I have expressed a feeling I thought was unique to me, only to see my partner shake his head in acknowledgment that he too has felt that way. (2) If you are avoiding or stressing about an event that is coming up, it is most likely unexpressed feelings at the core of that and by figuring out what those are, and talking with someone, you will set yourself up to better take on life's challenges. For me, I like to get clear on my feelings by writing it down first and then talking with someone afterwards. A great visual for exploring your emotions is the feelings wheel. You can see how some of your core emotions are expressed, so for instance sarcasm can at its core be a form of anger.

An investment in yourself will have ripple affects across the relationships in your life! And if you open up to those in your life, you may just be surprised how much this strengthens your connections to others.