Now we wait

Our lawyer sent a box of information for our waiver. I checked the shipping status. It arrived March 15th, eight days ago. Now we wait. Has the box been opened? Are we in some kind of queue? Our lawyer says in cases where the applicant is abroad, he has seen it processed in anywhere from 3-12 months.

As part of the case, I had a psychological assessment so that a credentialed professional could assess the impact of Leifer’s geographical separation from us. She first diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder. The next day she called me and said that she had re-evaluated the details and thought I was a bit worse, she changed my diagnosis to Acute Anxiety Disorder. She said I had all the symptoms of PTSD. Is that the worst diagnosis I could get, I hoped? I wanted my diagnosis to illustrate how broken I felt inside. Everywhere I looked, I saw evidence of the life my husband and I had built for our family. I would see his red truck in the driveway and think Leifer is going to walk through that door any minute. And then, will he ever walk through that door again? I had never seen my husband so distressed, Leifer’s typical optimism and confidence, shattered. I was crying throughout the day, leaving Leif to wonder, “is dad hurt?” My words to my kids were not comforting, they saw mom sad and dad gone. What conclusions could they help but draw about the situation? “We are going to Peru to see dad.” Once Leif knew the plan, he set about getting himself ready. He packed his suitcase that day and thought through what he would need.

I have a hard time understanding how two US agencies can give us different answers. UCICS approved our waivers, the US consulate in Peru did not. I wonder if it was intentional, drawing Leifer out of the US and denying him re-entry. The justification, based on words Leifer spoke when he was 21 years old at the advice of the Coyote helping him to cross the border. I am told by our lawyers that we are not unique, we need to be patient. My fears since the beginning of this process now find roots in what happened to us, my worst fear came true that Leifer would be taken from us and I would be powerless. The process is complicated, our friends and family are complexed by what happened to us. But the truth is I don’t understand any better, so many people seem to be trapped in this convoluted system. I thought my US citizenship would mean something for our family, and now our kids’ US citizenship. The only way to keep my family together is to leave my home. Are we even wanted in the US? Was the fallout considered?

When Leifer and I were first married, we met with the lawyer to start the process for our case. Most of the meeting was in Spanish as subsequent conversations would be. I wanted to know how long until Leifer had his green card. Two years, the lawyer projected. That was before COVID which slowed everything to a crawl. That was in 2019. I was devastated when we left the office that day, I worried that our children would have to live through the same uncertainty Leifer and I felt. I was pregnant with Leif.

Now the boys share in our worry. Their bodies know, even though their minds don’t fully understand. We must live a life, my husband says. Now is no different. Together, I begin to feel my worries subside. This circumstance was thrust on us, but now we pick up all the pieces to make some kind of new picture.