Connecting with Others
Avoid this common pitfall
There is a common pitfall in all of our relationships. Picture this. Your partner walks up to you and mentions how cold it is in the living room. You respond by telling her to check the thermostat and go back to scrolling through the days news alerts on your phone. What your partner is doing is called a relationship bid, according to Clinical Psychologist John M. Gottman. How you navigate bids can be the determining factor in moving your relationship in either a healthy or an unhealthy direction.
Gottman defines a bid as "any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or a wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help." Your initial response to a bid is important in either opening the door for further connection with that person or stalling the interaction further. Bids can be covert. In the example above where your partner says it's cold in the room, she may really be wanting to cuddle with you.
The vagueness of a bid is important. You may think to yourself, it would be helpful if I just knew what my partner was really thinking rather than playing these mind games with me. It's important to consider a couple of things about bids:
Bids usually contain hidden messages. This will allow that person to save face if you do not engage with their bid.
The more you know about someone's background, the easier it can be to help you determine what the underlying meaning is in someone's bid.
You don't always have to say yes to someone's bid. Remember though it is a request for connection. If their idea doesn't work, make another suggestion. For example, a co-worker may ask if you want to go to lunch. You could let them know that while you can't that day, you would still love to get lunch later that week. This shows your co-worker that you do want to connect with them, validating their underlying request to spend time with you.
It can be difficult to connect with our loved ones when we are constantly inundated with noise from the outside world. Phones, work, television, and other activities can often take up our time and leave little room for genuine interaction. Learning how to decode someone's bids is a key part of opening up those lines of communication and an opportunity to connect more deeply.
If you're interested in learning more about how to decode bids and strengthen your relationships, check out The Gottman Institute.
