Can kindness reign?
I am grappling with how to raise three boys during this unprecedented time. While our world is more interconnected than ever, it feels more isolated. The opportunities for engaging with one another are unparalleled, yet there is more loneliness. We have developed new and creative solutions for solving problems, yet many of our problems are worse than they have ever been. We are all aware that there is a lot of work to do to fight violence, mental illness, poverty and home security, food scarcity, and bullying, yet we keep talking past each other. I wonder, how do we begin to be with each other and form meaningful connections? Biologically speaking, we have depended on each other for our very survival. Yet, we now so often cannot even be in the same room as one another. I ponder: how do we forge genuine connections?
Growing up, my mom was never hard on us, except about one thing. We had to be kind. We weren’t allowed to say shut up and even this day, I cringe when I hear someone else say it. No matter what someone else did or said, she always expected that we would show kindness in return. In fact, she led by example and held herself to that same standard. I have countless memories of going places with my mom and she would strike up a conversation with everyone. You never felt alone when my mom was in the room. She would get people talking about all kinds of things in their lives. I remember feeling embarrassed at times, wondering how we would be perceived by this nosey person who had no less than 10 questions for each person. But the fact is, we were never perceived that way. People thought it was wonderful to be able to share their stories and to be asked in the first place. People oftentimes shared a laugh or a big smile in my mom’s presence.
Where I sometimes wanted my mom to allay her loquacious nature when I was a child, as an adult, I find myself at ease in social interactions with my mom. A good example of this was at the restaurant we dined at the other night. All 3 of my boys were with us, including our 2-month old baby. There were three older women sitting at the table next to us. I had already walked out at the end of our meal, but as my mom stood up, one of the women caught my mom’s attention and commented on how lovely my three boys were. My mom asked if she had any kids of her own and the woman replied that in fact, she did have two. The first was twelve pounds when he was born, she felt like she was delivering a tv. And the second, was one pound, entirely too premature. While it was a bumpy life for him at first, he grew and grew and is now perfectly healthy. My mom of course wanted to recount this conversation to me later, along with the rest of the conversations she had struck up earlier in the day. She collects people’s stories as artifacts, filing them away for later.
When it was time for me to leave home and forge my own path in this world, I expected ease in my social interactions. However, it felt daunting. I found that the world felt more strange to me than it ever had as a child. I didn’t know how to get past the obligatory “how are you?” It didn’t seem as though I could put a smile on a stranger’s face. I was curious about others but wasn’t sure what I could even suggest to converse about. I had to strengthen my conversational muscles. I started working in customer-facing jobs. I worked in support, I also worked with college students advising them on their path. I gained a lot of practice talking with people. Over time, I eased into social interactions.
The question I am having difficulty answering is how will I expose my boys to a world where strangers delight in speaking with each other, where kindness reigns above all else, and where we are connected to our neighbors and community. How do I put even more kindness into our corner of the world so that my boys will be kind, confident, and engaged little humans making their own marks on the world?
